Happy Birthday Melaina...

Our special girl, our firstborn, Melaina Grace, was born on this day 7 years ago. Every December 19th I spend the day thinking about her and often the days before and the days after. And of course throughout the year too. But especially on her birthday. I always wonder what she'd be like today. Would she climb up on our laps and cuddle? Would she have long brown hair? What would her little personality be like? What would her beaming smile look like?

I think back to her tiny hands, her tiny perfect feet, her finger and toenails that looked exactly like Josh's. Her little body only 13 ounces strong.

For those of you who don't know the story, my water broke in the second trimester while we were down in Corvallis during Christmas time (2004), and our little girl was born at the hospital, but she was just too premature to make it. It was such a heartbreaking event... such loss. Lost dreams. Loss of our first family... this little person I loved so much and still wanted to love was out of reach and I no longer had that privilege of carrying on in life with her. But yet at the same time, when I refer to what took place in that hospital room as she was born, it was joy in the midst of grief, because even though it was so devastating to lose her, God's overwhelming peace filled us as we held her and looked at her, rejoiced over her and kissed her goodbye. I took such immense comfort in knowing she was tucked safely in the arms of Jesus and I'd one day get to know her like I longed to, and see her sweet face again.

I miss our girl. My eyes run tears as I type. But He still wraps me in peace as I think on what a sovereign God He is, full of love and compassion. Nothing is too great for Him. He holds the universe. He holds my baby. He is still a good God even when we know great loss and deep pain.

I've been reading One Thousand Gifts, by Ann Voskamp, this Christmas season and one of my favorite things from her book is this:
(Chapter 1, pg 16-23)
"...the retina of my soul develops macular holes of blackness... Losses do that. One life-loss can infect the whole of a life. Like a rash that wears through our days, our sight becomes peppered with black voids. Now everywhere we look, we only see all that isn't: holes, lack, deficiency...
Then she reads 1 Corinthians 2:7, "His secret purpose framed from the very beginning is to bring us to our full glory". And she says, "He means to heal our soul holes." She then shares stories of great loss in her family and says, "I wonder too... if the rent in the canvas of our life backdrop, the losses that puncture our world, our own emptiness, might actually become places to see.
To see through to God.
That that which tears open our souls, those holes that splatter our sight, may actually become the thin, open places to see through the mess of this place to the heart-aching beauty beyond. To Him. To the God whom we endlessly crave."

I just love that.

Beauty from ashes.

My mom sent us this card (photo above) that I just love. It makes me think of Melaina and what she may have been like, and Josh put it up on our mantle, and I love that the card (which acts as a thought of her) completes our family line up of photos. :)

Tomorrow is our joyful Benjamin's birthday!! I'm SO excited to celebrate that boy! And this may sound weird to others, but Benjamin's birthday being the day after Melaina's is such a special gift to me!! Almost redemptive. I feel like my first born and "last born" (Lord willing), they bookend! Pain and loss for one I love so deeply, and then new life! Together. It makes my heart rejoice and give thanks.

He sees. He knows. He is there, constant, and the Rock I can stand on.

When Melaina was born we sang along to a worship album we loved called Selah, there in the hospital room. These two songs always make me think of her and give thanks. They take me back to that special day we got to hold her and kiss her goodbye.
Wonderful, Merciful Savior:

You Raise Me Up:

Now you know where we got the name of our precious girl, Selah Grace. She and Melaina share the same middle name because we wanted our daughters to get to share something that could tie them together, even though they'll never know one another.

So Happy Birthday my sweet Melaina Grace. We love you more than you'll ever know! xo

New Favorite Smoothie

Many of you know I have a love affair with my Vitamix. :) We use it every day, sometimes twice a day. Aside from making rice cereal, oat flour, almond flour, ice cream, etc. with it, we make a lot of smoothies. Our staple smoothie around here is:
1 banana

1 1/2 cups frozen strawberries

1 handful of blueberries

A blop of honey :)

2 cups rice milk

And a little flavored cod liver oil that the kids don't know about.

Well, sadly I ran out of frozen strawberries this week. I only picked about 50lbs last June and it clearly was not enough! But at least I still have about 35 lbs of blueberries in the freezer, so tonight Josh and I created a new standby smoothie to get us through to June, when I can pick more strawberries. This is an exciting smoothie for us because it's so creamy and kind of "milkshakey" and it doesn't require any honey to be sweet! I don't have a photo of it unfortunately (I was too excited drinking our purple experiment that I forgot to snap a photo) :), but here's the recipe for you Vitamix lovers. :)

1 banana

1 cup frozen blueberries

1.5 cups almond milk

dash of chia seeds

dash of flax seeds

1/8 cup shredded unsweetened (unsulfered) coconut

blend in vitamix on high

10 - 4 Roger!

Have I told you how much I adore these sweet faces? Oh, I have? ;)

Yesterday we did our daily calendar, we counted to 100, and we made a simple little clock to just begin learning about it. We just talked about what HOUR it was, nothing more advanced than that talking about the small hand telling the hour, but it uncovered something somewhat surprising and comical!

When I asked Selah what time it was, pointing to "10 o'clock" she looked at me blank. My girl, who can write and knows her phonics, days of the weeks, knows about echolocation and nocturnal animals, doesn't know her numbers!! She can count to 100, but if you point to a #4 and say "what number is this?" she may give you a blank stare. It was pretty funny to me because it was such an oversight of mine! Sorry Selah! I obviously need to put some numbers up on the wall and review them often. I think because Selah talks so maturely and has been pacing so well with Jude in school, I can forget that the dear sweet thing is only 3 1/2! I'm so proud of her and how eager she is to learn - she loves it! But I need to make sure her preschool foundation of learning that we're building on is firm first. :) Just as the kids are learning, I'm learning too!

I made this sheet of paper (bottom photo) as soon as I realized she was struggling with knowing her numbers. I asked her to point to and read each one just to see which ones she knew. She pointed to each number counting to ten and then went to the second row and went "11, 12, 13, 14..." That cracked me up! :) So then we practiced writing 10 and 4 since they seemed to be the two she was having the most trouble remembering. She did great. I love that girl!!

It's been fascinating to watch them learn this year. Jude is very numbers focused right now and Selah is very letters/word focused. It will be interesting to see if it changes as they grow up.

Happy Wednesday!

1/3 Jude + 1/3 Selah + 1/3 Benjamin = 1 Whole Mama

Today was a full day, and a good day! The kids and I spent the morning just cleaning and playing and cooking. We didn't start school until 2pm, because Benjamin wouldn't nap until then, and it's just easier to do school when the busy boy is snoozing. :) I have to share these two pics of him from lunch time - he is just SO Mr. Personality these days! He loves to tease and laugh! He begs for his cup, that's just out of reach, and I hand it to him and he acts like he's going to drink and then shoves it away and laughs! His laugh makes me laugh.

Today in school we talked about fractions and had fun with it. We used 3 sets of straws to share fractions of our whole bunch of straws. We also used a puzzle that had 3 pieces and took turns holding 1/3 or 2/3rds, or the whole puzzle. The kids caught on pretty fast - I actually wondered if they'd get it at all. I sometimes forget that kids are much smarter than we often give them credit for.

Then we took an apple and cut it in half, then into fourths and took turns sharing fractions of the apple. Jude eventually ate 1/4th of the apple. :)

We worked on writing the letter N and number 5.

We talked about the importance of practicing writing neatly because we want people to be able to read the things we write, which led to the (kids') realization that they could actually write words with all of these letters they are writing/learning/practicing, lol, which then led to Selah writing her first sentence all by herself: No t.v. :) Pretty funny!

It all came about because I said that if you put an "O" after your "N", you'd have the word "NO" and then Jude thought it would be funny if she wrote "No t.v.", so she did. :) She wrote it twice. Once kind of slanted trying to fit it among her practice letters, and the second time neatly on a blank line, and unfortunately I photographed the first one, so see if you can find it in this photo! :) [Jude's gotten into a really bad habit of begging for t.v. all of the time, so we've been doing a bit of a "no t.v." thing lately, and it's going well, so that's where that came from.]

After school we went to the library and picked out some books about animals in their habitats and some other stories that interested the kids. We came home, read 3 books, then made dinner, ate once Josh got home, then went and picked up our Christmas tree. We've always found our way to a tree farm to get a tree and cut it down ourselves, until last year when I was on bed rest... instead we zipped down the street to Thriftway and picked up a pretty tree. It was so easy and quick that I knew Josh was forever changed and we'd likely not be going to a tree farm to cut down our own again any time soon. :) Tonight we found ourselves where? At Thriftway. With another beautiful tree. Josh bribed me with a Starbucks and a warm car with Christmas music... I have to be honest, it's quite nice and hassle-free, especially with 3 little kids during this busy season of our lives! I told Josh on the drive home tonight, though, that once the kids are older I'd love to make our way out to a tree farm again a few times. He said okay. :) He loves me! And I love him! And my Thriftway tree. :) And these precious children who decorated it with joy!

A Good Day

Today was a good day. Nothing extra special happened, it was just a good day full of simple joys! :)

1. Sunshine!

2. Jude cut out his letter cards during school today with no extra prodding from me! Go Jude!

3. I mailed off the first half of my Christmas cards, yay! :) The very top of Josh's head got cut off in the card printing and I decided, "oh well!" instead of asking the card company to reprint them. Freeing to just not care. :)

4. The kids and I made up a fun game with patterns today in school and it caused us all to erupt in giggles. Benjamin was in his high chair and was totally cracking up simply because the rest of us were! :) Oh, how I wish I'd had that on video!

5. The kids and I had fun researching all the different habitats animals live in and talked about how God takes good care of us, just like he takes good care of the birds of the air and fish of the sea...

6. We listened to Christmas music in the car during errands, and the kids were in great moods.

7. Selah and Benjamin fell asleep at the end of errands and Jude and I enjoyed the cozy, quiet ride. :)

8. Benjamin started wearing shoes regularly last week, and I just think he looks so cute with his little jeans and shoes on. :) Man, that boy and his constant smile just melts my heart.

9. Warm chai latte during kid's snack time.

10. Selah's cute communication these days. She's so aware of the world and how it works and I love hearing the things she says as she processes all of it.

Lord, thank you for these precious children I get to spend my days with!

xo,

Bethany

Up late...

I was up late editing photos last night, and as I was waiting for some pictures to load I checked my google reader (blog list). A friend of mine blogged an Advent Calendar link and I followed it, and in the end discovered Ann Voskamp and her writings, and I'm hooked! http://www.aholyexperience.com/ann-voskamp/

What a beautiful heart she has! I love that her words are so uplifting and encouraging! I know I'm late to discover her writings, but I'm so glad I have!

I asked Josh for her book, One Thousand Gifts, for Christmas. Here's a little page about the book and how Ann Voskamp came about writing it: http://onethousandgifts.com/a-letter-from-ann

She writes on choosing gratitude, joyful parenting, making your house a home of grace, and so many other things! (Click on the joyful parenting link - I just loved it!)

So back to clicking on the Advent Calendar link from my friend's blog... I've been on the hunt for the past couple of years for a special Advent Calendar for our family. I've seen so many wonderful ones, but none that I've jumped on yet, and last night I was so excited when I came across her "Jesus Advent Celebration". I think it's so wonderful and am excited to start a special family tradition this year and let the kids help make the ornaments to mix into our Christmas tree! Here's the link if you've been looking for one too! A Jesus Advent Celebration.

Since every blog post is more fun with pictures, I have a couple camera phone pictures to share today. :)

A picture Selah drew of our family. I thought it was so sweet. :) She says that the extra little circles/people at the bottom were mistakes because she stared them too small.

And Jude and Selah wanted a picture of themselves standing by Benj, now that he stands. :)

Swim Lessons!

The kids have been taking swim lessons and just started 2 weeks ago. This is the first time they've ever done something outside of school or church that I've signed them up for! I guess we're kind of homebodies, huh?! :) The kids love swim lessons! They talk about it often and Selah is sad when it's over. I'm so glad it's a hit! It's really been a great activity for Jude because it's a very small group, sort of an individual sport, and there's a lot of focused attention from his wonderful teacher, who is so kind and patient with each kid. It's really a blessing.

We signed up for classes with my friend Mauria's boys, Rowen & Jonas. Their lesson is at the same time but with a different teacher, (Jonas was going to be in Jude & Selah's class but got bumped up a level after a swim test - go Jonas!), so it's great to get to sit with Mauria while we watch the kids! I just think they are all sooooo cute and love watching them learn!

I took an older camera with me that was having serious focusing issues, so these pictures are lame the best they can be. :)

Here Jude and Selah are holding onto the hoop and they move from one side of the pool to the other. They love this. Their feet can touch the bottom of the pool as they move along.

(You can see Rowen & Jonas in the background swimming by.)

Here the kids are working on laying on their backs in the water...

Here's a pic of Jonas doing the same in his class...

Here the kids are jumping into the pool, into the teachers arms. They got to do this 3 or 4 times and loved it!

I forgot to get a shot of Selah's jump, but got a shot after the jump.

And Benjamin found a little spot to play right next to us too. :)

Josh got to join us this evening because he worked from home today! Yay! I'm so glad he got to see the kids in action too!

Benjamin's First Steps

So, Benjamin took his first steps yesterday! It was pretty unexpected in the moment. He was standing at his Leap Frog table playing, and I was on the floor next to him, and he turned and took two steps to me and fell into my arms!! I was beyond excited. :) I gave him the biggest hug and put him right back to see if he'd do it again and sure enough he did and a third time too! The fourth time he decided to just sit down. He was done. :)

Well today I was making a little video for Grandma Jill, and Benjamin took 4 steps! PLEASE ignore my annoying voice in it. :) I sound ridiculous, but I was so excited for him. :) Here's our little man walking...

Bed time has still been going really well for Benjamin. He's doing great to sleep through the night consistently. I love singing to him each night as he's getting drowsy. I sing the same two songs I always sang to Jude & Selah when they were babies and I'd put them to bed. The first is Into My Heart by Psalty the Singing Songbook. Such a precious song. And the second is a worship song that was my favorite when I was in high school. It's still a favorite today, called Break My Heart.

I couldn't find it anywhere online! I guess I'm not super surprised since it's from a somewhat unknown cd called "Dreams of God". The lyrics are beautiful and always stir my heart when I sing it. I just love these words...

Father, make me more like you

Break this heart of stone,

Make it something you can use

Jesus, cleanse me with your blood

Take this empty vessel

And fill it with your love

There's a place within my heart

That longs and cries for only You

There's a burning in my soul

To see the bride united with the groom

Let the children come and fall upon their knees before you

Burn it in my heart, to see the dreams of God come true

Won't you break my heart

With the things that break yours?

Break my heart

For those who have not heard your voice

We finally sleep trained the little man...

I've been really sentimental lately... I just can't believe my little baby is going to turn ONE next month! How fast the year has gone by! I think about all those wonderful slow days last December when he was brand new and how I got to snuggle him for hours on end. I just LOVED it! Oh, a Christmas baby is the best!

This picture is from when our little Benjamin Gabriel was 5 days old. It was Christmas evening, and our home was warm, the tree was lit, the older kids were tucked in bed, and Josh and I were relaxing in the living room. I was cuddled on the couch with Benjamin and just soaking in his heavenly newborn smell... that evening is a favorite memory, and one I'll always love to remember!

(Here's a picture of Benjamin on our Christmas morning, when he was in his swing sleeping as we opened presents with Jude and Selah.)

Josh and I sleep trained Jude and Selah when they were between 6-9 moths old. I know, that's probably way late to some people, but that's just when we'd do it. We did the "brief and boring" every five minute method and it worked like a charm with both kids.

I think because Benjamin is our baby, I've had such a hard time committing to sleep training. It's because I want to rock him, and snuggle him and cuddle him. I haven't wanted to just put him in his crib and have him put himself to sleep... it just felt like an era would be ending and I was clinging to it. But about a week ago, I knew it was time. Benjamin needed to learn and I knew it would be best for all of us and we could all finally start getting good sleep. So, about a week ago Josh and I started being super consistent with "brief and boring" every 5 minutes, and sure enough the little man is sleep trained and sleeping through the night. I have to admit, I feel amazing getting some sleep! :) We put Benjamin to bed about 8pm and he sleeps until 5am. Then I feed him briefly and he goes right back to sleep until almost 8am. I could probably help him ditch the 5am feeding pretty easily, but baby steps people! ;)

p.s. I set up a little mini white paper studio in our living room by the large slider window last weekend just to try my hand at a studio shot for fun. This isn't anything I'm going to be doing by any means, but it was fun to play around! :)

For the Children's Sake...

I've been reading a really thought provoking book. I'm only able to get through small chunks at a time with the available moments I have here and there, but I'm seeing this book as a treasure. It's speaking to my heart in the place I'm at, and I'm really thankful for it's pieces of parenting wisdom. It's called For the Children's Sake by Susan Schaeffer Macaulay.

I wish I had time to share all the great things I've read so far. It's really making me think about our pace, how to give consideration to my children, how to slow down so I can see and understanding their needs (their little hearts), how to teach right and wrong vs. "just because I said so", and parenting out of firm love, rather than from that exhausted frustrated place that it is so easy to fall into! This stage of life is no cake walk! But it's rich and wonderful, and I want to do my best so badly... I'm looking down the road, knowing this will go quickly, and I want to do all I can to help my children grow into strong adults who can lean on the Lord in their times of weakness. I can see now why my parents prayed for us every day... this is a big job!

(Photo credit to Jude, and a tripod, for taking this picture of Selah and me this past summer. He loves to be our little photographer.) :)

What is it about Popcorn?!

Jude was a late crawler and we always tell the story about how a bowl of popcorn was his motivation to finally crawl. He never seemed to care until one day I set a bowl of popcorn on the floor and he just up and crawled right over to it!!

Well, there are a couple things that get Benjamin really excited... an open dishwasher (because he thinks it's a giant toy box) and a bowl of popcorn!

Benj took a really early nap today, so I didn't even bother to dress him before he went down for his nap, but don't worry, the rest of us showered, dressed and got ready. (I just don't want people thinking we live in our pj's EVERY day... since I tend to blog about the days we do school in our pj's.) :) When Benjamin woke up from his nap I knew I was going to feed him banana and avocado, so I still held off to dress him, because really, what would be the point, unless I just wanted to change him again?! While he was eating his banana and avocado, I made Selah and myself a bowl of whirly-pop popcorn. YUMMY! (We made kettle corn... just popcorn, sugar, salt and oil). Jude isn't that into popcorn anymore. I then cleaned up Benjamin, set him down and cleaned his chair. When I turned around I saw this:

He had made a bee-line for Selah's bowl of popcorn that she had left within reach. He was eating it as fast as he possibly could! It was like a crazy starving child wolfing down a meal as fast as he could! Popcorn brings out something special in my children.

I'm happy to report that Benjamin has since been dressed for the day. Phew! ;) Isn't he so cute? :)

Look Who's Standing! :)

Benjamin surprised himself today... and me too! The kids and I had all been in the backyard and had just come inside. I set Benjamin down and he just stood there, completely unaware that he wasn't holding onto anything. I was shocked that he didn't immediately sit down, so I grabbed my camera and fired off 3 quick shots. I didn't even have time to meter, so they were all extremely underexposed. I did my best to make them visible, since they were practically black. Jude had just kicked off his shoes and you can see one landed in the last shot. :) Once Benjamin realized I was taking pictures of him at a distance and he wasn't holding onto me he decided to sit down.

Sometimes when he's cruising furniture he'll let go for a second or two, but this was definitely a good long 5 seconds of standing. I love his happy and unsure expression. :)

Halloween

We had such a great night tonight! We aren't big Halloween people, but tonight we had a really fun time as a family! Last year we didn't know what to do about Jude's gluten and dairy allergies and just stayed home. We had bought treats to hand out and Jude was SO excited to hand them out last year, but not one single person rang our door bell. Jude went to bed so bummed out and talked about it for months. :( Poor kid! So we thought it through and decided this year we'd make it really fun and let the kids go trick-or-treating, but have them trade in their candy when we get home for toys.

Our plan worked like a charm! We had a blast! We walked around a great nearby neighborhood that surrounds a park we like to play at, and Jude and Selah excitedly hustled to each door. They used such great manners and talked with anticipation about the toy surprise that was waiting at home.

I loved all of these leaves on the ground! Josh was so nice to shoot pics most of the night, so I wanted to get a pic of him and the kids in all of these beautiful leaves.

When we got home, they handed over their entire bag of candy and Josh traded out their candy and put toys in their bags. They each got a little movie that I ordered from Christian Supply, a yo-yo (which Selah often mistakenly calls a yoo-yoo) and Jude got a Diesel Engine he'd been hoping for for several months and Selah got a My Little Pony she had asked for just about every time we went to Target or anywhere like that, since early summer. They were both pretty surprised.

I love when Josh laughs with the kids.

A couple fun things tonight:

When we opened the door to go tonight Selah said, "Look! A crescent moon!" I was so proud of her for remembering that from school when we learned about the moon a couple weeks ago.

You'll also notice that she decided to wear another princess costume tonight than she did a couple nights ago.

And Jude decided that some worker goggles would be a great addition to his cowboy costume. :) He wore them the ENTIRE time we were out. I asked him once if he could see ok and he said he was fine. I love kids!

Halloween Party Today...

I posted this over on my Bethany F Photography blog today:

Josh's office is having their annual Halloween Party today, so the kids were excited to put on their costumes to go! My Grandma gave the kids all sorts of adorable dress up clothes last year for Christmas, so I told them they could pick a favorite to wear for Halloween this year. Jude wanted to be a cowboy, and Selah a princess fairy. She technically is wearing lady buy wings from last year, but when I told her that she informed me they were princess fairy wings. So yes they are! :)

I bought this Pea in the Pod costume for Jude when he was a tiny baby but never used it... so five years later I'm so excited to finally get to use it! Benjamin barely fits in it. :)

Happy Friday!

Recovering from a gluten reaction...

Well, after a night of awful sleep I decided it would be a pj school day for sure! Poor Benjamin got his first cold and was really congested last night. :( We ran the humidifier and I had him sleep with us just to be safe so I could check on his breathing throughout the night.

Here's a pic of him this morning right after he'd knocked the cards off the wall again. I forgot to scoot him away from the wall, and he was quick to send those cards flyin' to the floor! :)

I was so tired when I rolled out of bed that I think I could've slept another full night. We all had our usual "oatmeal" breakfast (ground rice mixed with ground oats). I love that we all like it a different way. Benj has blueberries mashed in his, I have coconut mixed into mine with a little drizzle of maple syrup and the kids have maple syrup on theirs.

I love Jude's face here! :) He had a bowl of blueberries after his oatmeal and you can see the blue around his cute lips.

Jude had a gluten reaction that started last Friday. :( We had been on such an amazing streak, probably the best it's been in a couple years! I've almost grieved that it's gone... I feel like my boy went back into that distant place and it's been a rough few days! We went from amazing communication, no melt-downs, great interactions, wonderful eye contact, upbeat attitude each day (obviously a child that felt well!)... to this now... having trouble speaking a clear sentence, acting like an Eeyore, easily frustrated, loving to contradict and say "Pig!" (that's his word he says when he's angry)... Yesterday he pounded on the windows and cried when a (gf) playdough tower fell over and it took a good 25 mins to get over it because it "wasn't suppose to do that". This morning he woke up super grumpy saying, "don't talk to me!" as he hit the wall. So, I braced myself for a really bad day, but surprisingly by the time school started he was feeling a little better. And this afternoon he seems to be coping much better too. Maybe we're back on the path to recovery again and can start rebuilding. I often think of Jude's body as a tower of cards. We work carefully each and every day to build health, and one wrong card can make the whole thing come crashing down. But we just pick them all up and start building again. I love the good days and I will joyfully labor for those days! I know they'll be back. (And just to state the obvious, even though the gluten days are hard and exhausting and make me sad because I feel like they rob my child of his joyful, feel-good self, I love and embrace them too! Because any day with my Jude bug is a gift.)

Something wonderful did happen today at school! Jude wrote his name all my himself! He learned how to write his name last year at preschool but he's refused to do it so far this school year and today he said, "I can write my name" and did it!! Jude, you've been holding out on me, Bug! :) Just like his soft spoken voice, here's his soft-written name. I'm so proud of him.

Jude also loves to be teacher from time to time so he can show me the things he can do beyond what we're learning.

Today Selah drew a lady bug after working on her "L" letters and I thought it was really cute. :)

We also learned about different Oregon trees and what their leaves look like.

We were going to head to the park to collect leaves from each type of tree but Benj went down for his nap and I decided to cook and rest a little too! So maybe we'll do that tomorrow!