Happy Birthday Melaina...

Our special girl, our firstborn, Melaina Grace, was born on this day 7 years ago. Every December 19th I spend the day thinking about her and often the days before and the days after. And of course throughout the year too. But especially on her birthday. I always wonder what she'd be like today. Would she climb up on our laps and cuddle? Would she have long brown hair? What would her little personality be like? What would her beaming smile look like?

I think back to her tiny hands, her tiny perfect feet, her finger and toenails that looked exactly like Josh's. Her little body only 13 ounces strong.

For those of you who don't know the story, my water broke in the second trimester while we were down in Corvallis during Christmas time (2004), and our little girl was born at the hospital, but she was just too premature to make it. It was such a heartbreaking event... such loss. Lost dreams. Loss of our first family... this little person I loved so much and still wanted to love was out of reach and I no longer had that privilege of carrying on in life with her. But yet at the same time, when I refer to what took place in that hospital room as she was born, it was joy in the midst of grief, because even though it was so devastating to lose her, God's overwhelming peace filled us as we held her and looked at her, rejoiced over her and kissed her goodbye. I took such immense comfort in knowing she was tucked safely in the arms of Jesus and I'd one day get to know her like I longed to, and see her sweet face again.

I miss our girl. My eyes run tears as I type. But He still wraps me in peace as I think on what a sovereign God He is, full of love and compassion. Nothing is too great for Him. He holds the universe. He holds my baby. He is still a good God even when we know great loss and deep pain.

I've been reading One Thousand Gifts, by Ann Voskamp, this Christmas season and one of my favorite things from her book is this:
(Chapter 1, pg 16-23)
"...the retina of my soul develops macular holes of blackness... Losses do that. One life-loss can infect the whole of a life. Like a rash that wears through our days, our sight becomes peppered with black voids. Now everywhere we look, we only see all that isn't: holes, lack, deficiency...
Then she reads 1 Corinthians 2:7, "His secret purpose framed from the very beginning is to bring us to our full glory". And she says, "He means to heal our soul holes." She then shares stories of great loss in her family and says, "I wonder too... if the rent in the canvas of our life backdrop, the losses that puncture our world, our own emptiness, might actually become places to see.
To see through to God.
That that which tears open our souls, those holes that splatter our sight, may actually become the thin, open places to see through the mess of this place to the heart-aching beauty beyond. To Him. To the God whom we endlessly crave."

I just love that.

Beauty from ashes.

My mom sent us this card (photo above) that I just love. It makes me think of Melaina and what she may have been like, and Josh put it up on our mantle, and I love that the card (which acts as a thought of her) completes our family line up of photos. :)

Tomorrow is our joyful Benjamin's birthday!! I'm SO excited to celebrate that boy! And this may sound weird to others, but Benjamin's birthday being the day after Melaina's is such a special gift to me!! Almost redemptive. I feel like my first born and "last born" (Lord willing), they bookend! Pain and loss for one I love so deeply, and then new life! Together. It makes my heart rejoice and give thanks.

He sees. He knows. He is there, constant, and the Rock I can stand on.

When Melaina was born we sang along to a worship album we loved called Selah, there in the hospital room. These two songs always make me think of her and give thanks. They take me back to that special day we got to hold her and kiss her goodbye.
Wonderful, Merciful Savior:

You Raise Me Up:

Now you know where we got the name of our precious girl, Selah Grace. She and Melaina share the same middle name because we wanted our daughters to get to share something that could tie them together, even though they'll never know one another.

So Happy Birthday my sweet Melaina Grace. We love you more than you'll ever know! xo